Dear Aunty Aurora, I have a very good friend who I’ve known since relocating to Lagos three years ago with my husband and two kids.
She’s a wonderful person and such a support to me – helping me to get involved in the local community and introducing me to people.
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Her children are at school with my kids and they get on well, too. My dilemma is, I’m falling in love with her husband and it kills me. Like her, he’s a great person – kind and friendly – but I’m also attracted to him physically. He’s handsome, sexy, charismatic and successful.
You just know when there’s something between you and another person, and there’s definitely a kind of sexual tension between us, although of course we’ve never acknowledged it.
I know nothing will ever happen – he’s clearly happy and they had a baby 18 months ago. And it’s not like I even want anything to happen because I know it’s wrong and destructive, but I fantasise about him all the time. My marriage is OK and I do love my husband, but the past few years have been quite stressful, with the house move, jobs, young children and the pandemic. Thanks, Ijeoma, Lekki.
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The last two paragraphs of your letter are where you’ll find your answers. This is a fantasy and you’re fantasizing about this guy because it’s taking you away from what you really need to focus on – your marriage, which has been under a lot of stress over the past few years.
I don’t know how much you see of this couple – probably not much, given the lockdowns – but from now on, I’d focus on your friendship with her instead of seeing each other as a four.
Also, think about what’s missing in your marriage and how you can tackle that. Are you missing passion, excitement or has sex become dull or a chore? And if you’re feeling any of these things, talk to your husband about them.
If he doesn’t know you’re bored or unhappy, how can he possibly change things? Maybe you just have to remind each other that you’re a couple and not just providers and carers, which is a trap lots of young couples with kids fall into.
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Think about ways you can get the romance back. Now life is opening up, things will get busier and hopefully you’ll find you’re not thinking about this guy so much who, I think, just represents what’s lacking in your own marriage.
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