Dear Aunty Aurora,
My lover looks great for his age and we have great sex – but his behaviour blows hot and cold.
He lives with his wife and says he doesn’t make love with her any more and he would want me as his second wife. Could he be lying to me?
I’m 28 and he’s 57, the same age as my dad.
We met at an event where I was managing the activities and I felt drawn to him from the very first day he came in. It took him a while to catch on that I liked him that way. I guess he didn’t believe it at first because I’m much younger than him.
I was flirting like mad and he said to me, “Why are you wasting your charms on an old man like me?”
I told him I like older men. I don’t really, it’s just that I really like him. He asked me out in the end and we went for a meal. I noticed he’d had a haircut and looked really smart. I asked him if he was married and he said he was but doesn’t love his wife anymore but he doesn’t want to divorce her because of their kids.
He said they had separate rooms and led separate lives. That sounded OK so we started to date.
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At first it was great. We’d meet and have sex, which was brilliant, or spend half the night chatting online. But then he changed. He’d suddenly turn really moody and cold and complain that I chatted too much. Sometimes I’d see him in town and he’d blank me then turn away.
He knew I sometimes went clubbing with friends and he’d get nasty with me and say I was out looking for men, which was untrue. But often neither they nor their partner understand the simple changes that can make all the difference.
One night we had a big row. I was feeling fed up with the way he behaved and I thought he was leading me on and still having sex with his wife, and he said I should marry him and become his second wife.
He said I should go and think about it and he’s ready to pay my bride price but he knows I would never want to be a second wife.
Sometimes we have the best time, and great sex when he’s round at my flat, but then he won’t call for a couple of weeks.
He says he can’t see me too often because of his wife, if I don’t want to make our relationship official but I don’t know if I want to marry another woman’s husband.
I know deep down he cares about me but I’m unsure what to do. Thanks.
Tolani, Sangotedo-Lagos.
Dear Tolani,
I’m sorry he’s treating you unfairly and I’m sorry to say I don’t really think that he cares too much about you.
Take a step back and look at the facts.
He lives with his wife and nothing you’ve said makes me think he wants to move out, but to add you to his life as a second option.
To be blunt, you’re his bit on the side and my gut feeling is that it’s not going to change.
Ask yourself why you are willing to give him so much for the little you get in return.
Did you miss out on the love of a dad? Are you looking for someone to fill in that gap and to heal all that hurt?
Tell this man to go back to his wife and not call you again, as being a side-chick or second wife is what you want in your life.
You deserve so much more than he gives. Look for someone who’s free and do not settle for less.
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