Dear Aunty Aurora,
I am 49 years old, have been married for over 10 years, it has not been the best of relationships anyway but I truly love my wife. Though living with her has not been easy as we are two different people with very different aspirations and perceptions about life. Our home has not been a peaceful one. Due to the tension and lack of sustained cordiality between us I returned to one of my ex-girlfriend for comfort and understanding which lead to a full extramarital affair which my wife later got to know about it and I ended the relationship but some months after I started another one when she was pregnant with our second daughter, I also got caught in this relationship too few months after it beginned.
I decided not to have any other extramarital affair again because I discovered it hurt my wife badly, but few months after that affair ended, I had to travel out of the country for a postgraduate training which lasted for 5 years and within these 5 years my family could only visit me only once for 5 months due to some financial constraints which my wife was aware and appreciated.
The worst happened when I completed my training and returned back to Nigeria. I didn’t have an extramarital affair, I did the worst by having a sexual relationship with a 13-year-old girl that she brought into the house to stay with her and my daughters during the period i was away. it was not penetrating sex, but I fingered her for 3 different times with 2 months and on the third attempt I was caught by my wife who had previously suspected something was going on between me and the girl and was vigilantly watching. I did not know the girl has already had previous sexual exposure but I was surprised with her level of cooperation and why she kept the incidents secret from my wife all the while until the day we were caught. This has completely destroyed and shattered even what little we had going as a marriage.
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We are still staying together as husband and wife but we are worse than strangers to each other, I have tried many times to reconcile and ask for forgiveness but this time I think I have finally blown it! My wife told me that she won’t go anywhere because of our girls but as for me and her it is over. Please tell me what you think I can do to revive our relationship? I know I still love her but I also believe she deserved better.
After reading your story I wanted to get emotional about it but then it struck a chord in me that everybody makes mistakes and the truth about doing something wrong is identifying that you’ve done something and willing to make it right.
The first step for you as a person to do right by your wife and win her back is to first work on yourself. Get yourself a psychiatrist someone who can walk you through this journey because in all honesty this will be a journey for you. Just so we’re clear getting your wife back will take a lot of work, discipline and conviction of the mind never to stray again.
Reading through your message first thing I picked up on is that you and your wife have over the years have poor communication, your marriage is riddled with distrust and lacks of true genuine intimacy.
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So all of this needs to be worked on as well and to do this your wife needs to be part of the journey. But before she can come along you need to prove and show to her that you are actively working yourself and willing to make to correct all of your wrongs and do better. But to re-write the wrongs of say 8-9 years, well be ready for quite a journey of at least 6 to 24-months and that’s serious hard work, commitment and discipline.
Now it’s a 5 step journey for you Simon;Step 1: Give her space and time to heal, like the popular saying time heals all wounds. But essentially let know the feeling of still having a man/husband in the house but never been in her way. Don’t sleep in the same room with her but still do all of the necessaries in the house things expected of you to do in the house in true acts of servitude and not necessarily engage in discussions with her and more importantly do those house chores not when she can see you do them. Also spend more time with the kids, care for them but do these things away from the open glare of her do them for the true and genuine connectivity with your kids.
Step 2: Get profession help for yourself and follow through with the process. Date down your progress, then find a calm Sunday evening to have a seat down with your and apologize, nothing else but just deep sincere apology and tell her you’re getting help to help make you a better person for yourself and for your kids. Before you do this you should’ve started seeing your psychiatrist/shrink for at least a month or two depending your progress. If your wife is still in the house wife you and still cooks for and you’re alive then she genuinely still loves you more than you know and with time she will come around only if she sees that you’ve become a better person and can see that you’re putting in the work to get better.
Step 3: After 3 months find time a weekend where only both of you will be at home talk with her, from a point of remorse. Talk about those differing perceptions and aspirations about life that has made you both strangers in your marriage. Before this happen make sure the kids are not around send them to spend the weekend with family or your parents. Then right there throw it in that you want both of you to visit your shrink together and really wants to work on the marriage and save it from its final collapse now all of this should take place on her pace and can only happen if she wants it to so be ready for your patience to be tested to its depth.
Step 4: The Journey of two lovers back into the sack, if she does finally agrees to work on it with you, hopefully your shrink is good enough to help guys walk through problems together and help get to the crust of loss of connection and help improve your communication.
Step 5: Stay celibate all through this journey until your wife voluntarily walks up to you and says she has forgiven you and wants you back as her husband. Now it is essential this happens because only then can you both restart your relationship on a new plate.
Now this isn’t part of the advice but I think you also deserves 100 strokes of “Koboko” with blade at its tip for defiling that little girl. That girl also deserves an apology from you, and help desexualize her even though she’s been open to sex very early doesn’t mean you should take advantage of her.
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