Dear Aunty Aurora,
I’m having the best sex – with a guy I’ve met on my professional course. We get on brilliantly and I am starting to fall for him but he’s in a long-distance relationship with a girl back home. He says we can only ever be friends with benefits.
I am 28 and my last serious relationship ended a year ago. I decided to go back to university to fulfil a long-held ambition to do an MBA and it’s been the best thing I’ve done in years.
On the first day, I met this one man and we just hit it off straight away. He’s 32, funny, smart and has been a huge help to me with my studies. We would often find ourselves hanging out together with a group and sometimes on our own.
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A couple of months ago he suggested going back to his room. I agreed, knowing where it would lead. I was just as up for sex as he was and we had a great night. Before we did anything, he was honest and told me he has a girlfriend who lives 200 miles away, in his hometown.
I said it didn’t matter to me because I was not looking for anything serious either. Now we have sex several times a week and it is always fun and exciting. He says he really enjoys it, too. But he went back home last weekend because it was his girlfriend’s birthday.
I missed him terribly and it came as quite a shock to feel that way. I kept checking my phone all weekend to see if he had texted. I was so pleased to see him when he came back and we soon ended up in bed together.
He talked about his girlfriend and how they had a great weekend with friends and family. I felt quite jealous but couldn’t tell him and played it cool. I now realise my feelings for him are far more than just friendly but, if I let on, I fear that would ruin our friendship too. Thanks Ufuoma, Ikeja-Lagos.
You need to put yourself back in control of this relationship before you get hurt. It does not work for you and trying to ignore your emotions is going to mess with your head.
Being friends with benefits apparently works for him – he has a good friend and lover rolled into one. He is presumably deceiving his girlfriend back home but, while he can have his cake and eat it, he has no reason to want to change things.
Or is he having doubts? Was he just being naïve thinking you would want to hear about his weekend with the girlfriend?
Or was he testing your feelings? It isn’t easy to step back once you’ve crossed a boundary in a relationship. But if you value his friendship, tell him the benefits part is a no-no for the future. When he knows your boundary, he will have to think about what he, too, really wants.
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