Aunty Aurora: After Two Kids & No Marriage Where Do I Start From?

Dear Aunty Aurora,
I am desperately in need of your help. I am a 25-year-old mum of two kids. It was never my plan to have even a kid outside wedlock but I guess life happened. While I was in my third year in school, I met my kids’ dad and I thought we were perfect for each other. He was a year ahead of me and I was hoping by the time he finished school, got a job and started earning something, we would start talking about settling down. By the time I was through with school though, taking our relationship a step further had never been mentioned and I just decided to keep calm and exercise a little patience. Along the line, I got pregnant with my first child when I was 23. At first it felt like my boyfriend would finally take the initiative and ask me to marry him but the most he said was that I should move in with him. I agreed thinking half bread was better than none. I eventually summoned the courage to ask him where our relationship was headed but all he said was that I should just give him time and that finances were tight. We continued like that till last year when I got pregnant again. I sunk into depression and found it difficult to take care of my toddler or myself. My boyfriend was as supportive as he could be and I gave birth to a little baby girl. The little semblance of sanity I have left departed last night when he left his phone at home to run an errand. I came across messages that had been going back and forth between him and a lady. From their conversation I got to know that they had been seeing for a while and she had been demanding they get married. Their plans were delayed because I got pregnant the second time and was depressed. My boyfriend didn’t want to leave me then, so he has been bidding his time till my baby was a little older. I feel so shattered and I fear that I will fall back into depression. Please what do I do and where do I start from here? I really need answers.Amaka, Imo.
Dear Amaka,
I am glad you have finally realised that something is wrong, but its a bit saddening that two innocent kids have become part of something they know nothing about and will most likely suffer the most for your inactions majorly. I have always said it to many people that though love is a wonderful thing to experience, the world as it is today requires a lot of forward thinking in our relationships and a heavy dose of tact. There is little room for assumption these days and you just have to be sure where your relationship is headed by constant communication. Though like I am always quick to say, I am not one to judge, and after a problem, solution should be the focus. Now that you have two kids, they should be your highest priority at the moment. I know it might hurt so bad to be betrayed in such a manner, but now you need to be strong for your children. A clear and analytical mind should be your watchword, this is not the time to allow your emotions rule you. I might sound a little military at the moment but if your boyfriend wasn’t thinking about how his actions would affect his kids then he needs some sense talked into him. Let him know what you found out in a calm and mature manner then allow him tell you his side of the story but remember to be smart and filter out anything doesn’t add up. Ask him what his plans are and what he intends to do about your children. From his response you should be able to tell if he still wants to be with you or not. I don’t know if you have a job but if you don’t start thinking of how to change that. If things don’t go well, I will advice you let a relative know what is going on and relocate. Living in close quarters with him will only make it hurt more if things don’t work out. I really do wish you the best dearie.Aunty Aurora.
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