Dear Aunty Aurora, I have been having regular meetings for sex with the man who was my first boyfriend when we were at school together. He is 34 and I’m 32. This would be fine if it were not for the fact that he married someone else two years ago. She was in the year below us. I never stopped loving him and I was horrified when I discovered they’d got engaged. I couldn’t believe that they would ever actually marry. Hearing from other friends how it all went was a very painful time for me.
Six months ago he contacted me and told me he still loved me. I was flabbergasted and, at the same time, I was thrilled because my feelings for him hadn’t changed just because he’d married another woman. He suggested we meet up to talk about old times. We did this over a drink and he was just as attractive as he had always been. He stroked my hand and it felt wonderful. Then he said his wife was away at her mum’s and we could go back to his place.
I knew this wasn’t right but I went anyway. We had sex and it was fantastic. Far from regretting it, all I could think about was the next time. Our meetings have become a regular thing. If we can’t meet at his, we go to a hotel. Being with him is magic. If we can’t find anywhere to go and make love, we go walking and that is magic, too. I have tried to work the conversation round to how I feel about him and to get him to admit he wants to be with me, but we don’t seem to get anywhere. I know what I am doing is wrong and I even feel sorry for his wife. But I still can’t bring myself to throw him out of my life. He is too important and special to me. Adesua, Ikoyi – Lagos.
Dear Adesua, Disliking yourself and feeling ashamed at the way you are behaving is not good for you. The outlook for this secret affair isn’t good either. This guy has the best of both worlds – a wife at home to look after him and you for the excitement of secret meetings and illicit sex. But it all looks likely to bring you heartache. At the same time it is preventing you from finding someone to share your life with.
This man is not up for that. Someone else will be but you need to be emotionally free. You are living in the past. You are still that schoolgirl who craves being admired. You need to move on from her and become a realistic adult. If you don’t know whether your lover plans to part from his wife, ask him. Insist he gives you a definite answer. If it’s no or a fudge, have the courage to break with him.
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