Sunday, May 22, 2022

That Sharp Naija Guy: 7 Pointers That Show You Are Terrible In Bed To A Naija Babe

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From Lagos to Benin, Lokoja to Onitsha, Enugu to Zamfara via Abuja, most Naija men believe they are extremely good in bed. We believe we are the best thing in bed or better still some sort of Adonis from the Greek mythology.My guy, it’s a scandal to make such an assumption. Believe me, you might not be as good as you think! But wait, trust me – being bad in bed doesn’t mean you can’t improve. But first, you have to admit you aren’t good enough for you to improve.Chinedu, don’t shout but it’s unlikely that your beloved ‘Ifeoma’ is going to give you detailed report each and every time you rumble in the jungle. Guy, to discern if your bedroom game needs improvement, you have to pay close attention to small signals she gives, the same way you check your bank alerts. Chinedu abeg trust me: It’s better to figure it now, than to realise when ‘Ifeoma’ starts seeing Ifeanyi. Watch out for this 7 pointer and you’ll thank me later:1. Ifeoma doesn’t moan or fakes it: Oh boy, you might feel that a Naija babe moaning isn’t really important, but sorry to burst your bubble, it is. Moaning is just an expression of how she really feels inside, how can the soup be sweet without ‘ponmo’ or stockfish’. If Ify doesn’t moan then she doesn’t feel anything inside. You know when she’s faking it, you just don’t want to admit it to yourself. Maybe she moans too loud, or not loud enough, and she doesn’t go slightly cross-eyed like she usually does. It’s OK if you don’t get her off every time (as long as you’ve made an effort). But if it becomes a habit, she might upgrade to Ifeanyi soon.2. Ifeoma asks if “That’s it?” or “now now now”: Okay, ‘Ify’ probably isn’t going to ask you that, but if it lasted less than ten minutes, you know she’s thinking it. Trust us, there are many dudes out there who finish too sharpish and quickly. Guy, sometimes it happens, and there’s not much you can do about it. If you’re one of those guys, maybe you should focus on quality foreplay beforehand.3.You are only ‘good’ after ‘Pepper Soup’ and ‘Guinness’: There’s lots of guys who you know that brag about how many different ‘Ifeomas’ they’ve enjoyed. But at a certain point, you have to ask yourself, “How come the ‘Ifeomas’ don’t stick around?” If ‘Ifeoma’ doesn’t come back for a repeat performance, I’d recommend you step your game up. You know, before you run out of girls to take for pepper soup and Guinness. Just say no to using alcohol as a crutch.4. Ifeoma complains you gave her a backache: If she says it hurts at any point or is walking like a cowboy on the way to a stand-off after you’ve finished, Chinedu abeg don’t pat yourself on the back. It isn’t because you are hung like a horse (you probably aren’t, that’s just simple statistics). It might be because you’re an insensitive lover. This thing called sex is about rhythm. Don’t go thrusting away like a Naija one-way soldier and assume she’s enjoying herself. Get in tune with ‘Ifeoma’. Does she want power humping, or would she prefer something a little slower and sweeter? Chances are, it’s the latter.5. If Ifeoma gives a lot of instructions: Have you heard her say “Oh, baby. Right there. No wait, there. No, over there.” These are not accolades, these are coded instructions. If ‘Ifeoma’ is in a place where she can play the traffic police, you might not be doing everything you can to get pass the green light well. If ‘Ifeoma’ is moaning anything but “yes!” or Chineeeduuuu (if it is Ifeanyi’s name, you have other problems), then you should listen up, and start taking notes. Yes, it will be on the test.6. If Ifeoma likes asking, “Is there anything you want done differently?”: Guy, if she asks if she’s doing something wrong, the coded thing she’s saying is: “Something is off here. I’m not enjoying myself. How do we fix this?” Rather than giving her a report card on her performance, sharp sharp give yourself brain. Tell her she’s great, and ask her if there’s anything you can do to make her feel better. Then, as a sharp guy quickly adjust your technique accordingly. Even some of the greatest strategies don’t always work in the field. There is no shame in quickly switching up your game.7. Ifeoma tells you how ‘good’ you are: The more often she tells you how good you are, the more likely it is you actually suck. Everybody appreciate it when a lady rolls over in bed, turns to you, and sighs, “That was so great.” But, the trouble comes when they say it again and again. Think of it like a job interview. If they tell you more than once how perfect an applicant you are, odds are, they are going to hire someone else.Photo Credit: Getty

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