Lockdown With An Abuser Amidst Coronavirus?… Here’s 9 Important Things To Do

Now that the many of the states in Nigeria have given a stay at home order as Coronavirus keeps spreading and the tolls keep rising, people will be faced with so many issues of having their spouses, kids and other members of the family all around, as they may be trapped with abusers.
Think of the man or woman whose wife or husband has turned into a punching bag… Think of the man who rape their own daughters… Think of those who turn their spouses to laughing stocks in the presence of their kids or the sex addicted ones who have been satisfying their urges with prostitutes and side chic. Cases of domestic violence and social crimes are bound to increase now, not only in Nigeria though.
BBC reported the case of Geeta, an Indian woman whose husband is a drunk and a beater whose many scenes were not witnessed by the kids as they are most times not around ad he used to respect their presence in the house but now, has lost his chill. “It took a while to calm the children. They’ve seen their father angry many times in their life but the past few weeks it has been worse. They’ve seen him throw things against the wall and pull me by the hair“, BBC reported Geeta said. She added that he has hit her more times than she can remember, the first time on their wedding night. She tried to leave him once, but he wouldn’t let her take the children.
The report further x-rayed a US teenager who had to move back to stay with her father, as her mom could not take care of her again, no thanks to Coronavirus outbreak. This same man, her father, she said had physically and sexually abused her for years, since she was a toddler. She had started therapy a few months for the years of physical and sexual abuse she experienced but now, Coronavirus has forced her therapist to lockdown, same as her mom’s shop and she has no choice to go back to her father.
Back to Nigeria, these and many more must be happening, with the abusive boyfriend who houses and feeds his bae, the shameless father who rapes his own daughter, the raging wife who can nag 2 years straight in one minute and many more.
What to do if you are stuck in the Coronavirus lockdown with your abuser?
1. Speak to your neighbours to protect you: you may go a street or two or three apart if you do not have other family members you can run to and seek help. If you are a mother and you have kids to protect, you should take your kids along (you may leave them if they are grown up though and you are sure they will be fine, but not until you explain your reason for wanting to leave to them. Do not disclose your exact next location, however, their father may use them to get you).
2. Have people in the neighbourhood checking up on you: you can make a list of supportive people to have regular check-ins with you via phone or video chat. If your abuser wants you cut off from all forms of connection, find all means to have your neighbours in the know. Random papers to their compound telling them what is wrong and to check on you often is a good way. They can also help you contact necessary authorities for your safety. You may also be able to connect in an alternate way, such as a secret app or even by adding them to your phone under different names.
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3. Create a code word to share with your support network that indicates you are in need of immediate help: Plan different code words with your close friends and neighbours that will serve as indicators for danger, care, or companion. During the coronavirus crisis, you may want to distinguish between whether someone should call you or break social distancing protocol to come and get you. You must as well keep safety measures with whomsoever.

4. Have your important documents or items safe at all times:  your credentials, your documents, your credit cards, your keys, your medicines and so many other valuables that you are of so much importance to you should be kept safe as anything can happen at any time. Your credentials may be kept far away from your house, maybe at a trusted friend’s and every other thing that come handy should be on your from time to time, safely guarded away from your abuser. So, in case you need to leave without their knowledge or avoid them from squeezing too much out of you, you have yourself planned ahead.  This may be difficult for people with a disability or health condition, as they may not have enough extra medical supplies to hide or be able to reach a hiding place. but still, find an escape route for your valuables.
5. Don’t seek resolution: this is not the first time your abuser is abusing you, it definitely won’t be the last. Often, abusers rope victims in to appeals and pity, saying this will be the last time, I swear, I promise… it will most likely happen again so stop seeking resolution in your mind or with them. If they threaten to leave or divorce, remember they will probably say it again in the future. This won’t be the last argument. Allow the tension to not be resolved. Don’t chase them to understand you or your perspective, and never allow yourself be drawn back with pity.
6. Avoid escalating matters: this time that you are stuck together, you need all the patience and energy you need to plan your moves. So, try not to escalate matters with your abusers, save your energy for planning your moves. Give up on arguments, even if your abuser sticks his/her fingers down your throat or does the most painful thing. If you do, you will only find yourself going in ripples back to escalation and you may be hurter than before.
7. Be gentle on yourself, it’s not your fault: if your are violated by an abuser, you should not also become an abuser to yourself. It is not your fault that you are stuck with them, it is circumstance. It is not your fault that you are being violated, it is theirs for not being able to control their feelings. An abuser isn’t abusive because they don’t understand you or the facts, they are abusive because of who they are, and no matter what you do or don’t do, say or don’t say, you can’t change them. You are a victim of circumstance and only you can save yourself. You need all the positivity and self-love you an ever give yourself to do this and be safe, so take things easy on yourself.
8. Do things to ease your stress and make you happy: you may exercise, listen to music, play video games, do creative projects, go for walks with the pets or any other thing that helps you relax and be happy. That will help you think well, strategise and come alive.
Read also: Domestic Violence Isn’t Caused By Provocation – Mercy Makinde
9. Report to necessary authorities: Lagos State government have set up a response team to look into sexual and domestic abuse during the Coronavirus lockdown. There must be other authorities put in place in other states too, so ensure you get help. See the video below of a very smart way to go about it.

Photos Credit: Getty